Finding The Right Man or Woman
We all have or have had the list. "I want him this height, weight, ethnicity, with this job, eye color, hair color..." Our lists could go on for days and some do. There are the arguments: well, I've worked hard to become who I am, I'm pretty enough/smart enough/accomplished enough, I deserve to have everything on this list! While I agree everyone should get their ideal mate, I have a hard time believing that a list of hundreds of criteria will get you that special someone.
When I was younger, I had a similar list. I was constantly writing off people who couldn't come close or if they did I'd tell myself, 'I'm not willing to settle!' Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe anyone should settle for less than what they deserve but with that list, are you asking for the core qualities you cannot live without or is it a list that is perhaps hindering you from finding the person of your dreams? What I began to notice with my list and the several other lists I have looked at when helping others hone in on "key traits", was that I was disregarding people because I had subconsciously written them off. "No, no, no, he is a smidgen too short, but other than that he 'would have' been perfect." Would have been...
I remember the days I began to question my list. Do I really know what I want? Do I really know me? I started another list-who am I and what do I like? I looked at foods, music, dance, and dating. I tried out every type of food that was available: Soul Food, Chinese, Japanese, Korean BBQ, Thai, Brazilian, Ethiopian, Italian, Scottish, French, the all American cheeseburger, and more.
I tried listening to a variety of genres of music: house, techno, country, jazz, blues, rap, hip hop, R&B, new age, world beats, and the list goes on. I used to go dancing at a variety of places with my girlfriend and loved learning new styles: belly dancing, country line dancing, swing, salsa, bachata, and a variety more.
While testing out each one, I learned what I truly liked and enjoyed and also what I disliked (very important). By being open to the many opportunities that were out there I learned a lot about myself in turn. From this self-exploration I then asked, 'what qualities am I looking for in a significant other that I can't live without.' I knew I wanted this list small but purposeful. If it was less than five things that would be great but what would those five things be. I decided on these statements that I told myself regularly:
I tried listening to a variety of genres of music: house, techno, country, jazz, blues, rap, hip hop, R&B, new age, world beats, and the list goes on. I used to go dancing at a variety of places with my girlfriend and loved learning new styles: belly dancing, country line dancing, swing, salsa, bachata, and a variety more.
While testing out each one, I learned what I truly liked and enjoyed and also what I disliked (very important). By being open to the many opportunities that were out there I learned a lot about myself in turn. From this self-exploration I then asked, 'what qualities am I looking for in a significant other that I can't live without.' I knew I wanted this list small but purposeful. If it was less than five things that would be great but what would those five things be. I decided on these statements that I told myself regularly:
-I want someone who I'm attracted to who is attracted to me, who I'm in love with who's in love with me.
-I want someone who believes in monogamy.
-I want to be with someone who is goal oriented.
That was what it all boiled down to. Now I am with someone, we've celebrated our two year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. He was everything on my list and more.
And after years of traveling down random path in life, I can now say I am thankful to have been the wanderer. I know who I am, what I want, and who I want to share my life with.
-I want someone who believes in monogamy.
-I want to be with someone who is goal oriented.
That was what it all boiled down to. Now I am with someone, we've celebrated our two year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. He was everything on my list and more.
And after years of traveling down random path in life, I can now say I am thankful to have been the wanderer. I know who I am, what I want, and who I want to share my life with.
Author of "We Are One at the Falling of the Sun"
Hi Tasha,
ReplyDeleteWhile my journey to finding a high-caliber mate has not concluded yet, I have learned some important stuff on the journey. When I was much younger, I came to an understanding that what I learned during a relationship could help me in my next relationship. This allowed me to trade up in each new relationship. I do not mean that I chose better mates because of what I learned. It was more a matter of growing from what I learned in each relationship, which seemed to attract better mates. A number of years later a thought occurred to me. Like you I had so many requirements for what people termed soul mate that it read like job application. I realized that this job description caused me to eliminate just about everyone that came along. The ones that passed muster were always already in great relationships. Over time I discovered that I had not given any thought to the other side of the equation, what did I have to offer? When I thought about it, I appreciated that I did not have much to attract the kind of high caliber mate that I desired. This started me on a path of self-improvement, which caused me to dispose a lot of emotional baggage, as well as judgments, and a lot of errant beliefs. The result was the more I let go of my emotional baggage, the more I felt worthy of such a mate. It took me a couple of more decades to understand that If did not love myself, how could anyone else? You see if I was not deserving of my love, I would never feel deserving of someone else’s love, and I could never attract the love of another.
I accepted that I needed to love myself, but I thought I already did. It took me a while to realize that I did not have to fix all my flaws in order to love myself now. I did not have to put off loving me until I changed something I did not like. Since love was unconditional, I only needed to love myself in spite of my flaws. I remembered that one of the most valuable things on Earth was diamonds, and that most of them had flaws. It was the only thing I could think of where people did not focus on the flaws they knew were there. I think in spite of the flaws, what people remember most about the diamonds is their brilliance. In order to love yourself you need to first take your attention off your flaws, and learn to see your brilliance. Of course this gets easier the more you work on releasing the baggage, and poor self-image that conceals your brilliance.
I finally feel capable of attracting a high caliber woman. This is a woman that is intelligent, gentle, loving, and comfortable in her power. I am not talking about power over others, but a woman securely in her own power. She makes no apologies for “who” she is and does not need validation from others. When I started to love myself, I started to connect with some amazing women. One piece of the puzzle that most people overlook in finding a soul mate is, you can only attract people that match you vibrationally. If you are vibrating from a place of: low self-esteem, lack of self-love, blame, or judgment, those are the kinds of people you will attract. If you think about it, how can you attract someone that loves you, if you are not deserving of your own love. Love is a gift so you do not have to “deserve” it. Self-Love is the most important ingredient missing is most people’s recipe for love. If do not become an amazing mate how can you ever expect to attract one?
Tasha and Dan, Wow! how insightful! I loved how both of you have evolved.
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