Ties That Bind

The Ties That Bind

Ties that bind, relationships are complicated but some change you so profoundly that you are so irrevocably different because of them. Some of us may have experienced this as children or maybe not until later in life. These relationships may have given us something beautiful, some precious gem that we were only able to understand and utilize because of the change that happened in us. Cause and effect. The crazy part is these profoundly instrumental relationships could both be positive or negative experiences or even a combination of both. Growth comes from seeing and heeding the lesson.

I would like to focus on what most people would consider a negative relationship. A relationship with an alcoholic and how that it can both be killing to the spirit and fuel for the rebirth of a soul.

“I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

Still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherf@#$ers are doing jumping jacks now!
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!”

EMINEM - Not Afraid

　

I was raised in a home with an violent alcoholic, and then had the pleasure of working out my issues later in life with two men who were also alcoholics‘. And the wonderful part is I look at my own life and the lives of many of my friends and see that because we grew up with PINK ELEPHANT in the living room as it is described in A.A., that we have graces and skills that others don’t naturally have. As I was doing the research for this blog I did a quiz for adult children of alcoholics, and was amazed at both in the past and still in the present how effected I have been.

One of the most empowering tools I was taught in all-teen counseling was when an alcoholic is throwing insults or cruel words at you that really who they are ragging at is themselves. And therefore, hold up a mental mirror and not to take personally what they say. But as I say this if you are living with an alcoholic now or have not received counseling for past relationships, I highly recommend you do so. It may save your life or at least your sanity.

Please see these websites or your local chapters.

　

1) Al-Anon and Alateen http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

(2) Adult Children of Alcoholics http://www.adultchildren.org/

(3) Alcoholics Anonymous http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

Some of the typical behaviors of adult children of alcoholics are:

Control issues

Needing to be the “responsible ones

Care takers

Perfectionist

Low self esteem

Lack of self worth

Need for drama

Wearing unnecessary guilt

Difficulty with intimacy, being vulnerable is dangerous

Hiding true feelings

Fear of abandonment

Self critical

People pleasers

Victim mentality

I read a note from my mom, to my grade one teacher asking how to build ones self worth in a child, in response to the teacher having made comment about the lack of mine. Alcoholism is a family disease it touches each of them differently including the alcoholic. The family suffers together. Until major changes and counseling happen.

I now look back and appreciate that this experience has helped me to develop much of my uniqueness and I have a deep sense of compassion for all of my family as well as my father. A interesting note both of my parents are both adult children of alcoholics as well. So the most important point of this is we need to do some life review and see who is in the divers seat of our lives. The stronger aware person for the experience or the child in a big person’s body still in the throws of the disease?. Taking stock of where we have been and lessons learned are essential to growth, but continuing life using the same patterns may lead to our determent.

Here is a quote about doing just that by Wayne Dyer;

So take your lessons from your relationships, joyfully or hard earned and grow and come at the world for a stronger and whole perspective.

In closing, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned both from family and friends they have helped shape the woman I am today. I am blessed!

In love and light,

Jenna

Ties that bind