Finding The Right Man or Woman
We all have or have had the list. "I want him this height, weight, ethnicity, with this job, eye color, hair color..." Our lists could go on for days and some do. There are the arguments: well, I've worked hard to become who I am, I'm pretty enough/smart enough/accomplished enough, I deserve to have everything on this list! While I agree everyone should get their ideal mate, I have a hard time believing that a list of hundreds of criteria will get you that special someone.
When I was younger, I had a similar list. I was constantly writing off people who couldn't come close or if they did I'd tell myself, 'I'm not willing to settle!' Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe anyone should settle for less than what they deserve but with that list, are you asking for the core qualities you cannot live without or is it a list that is perhaps hindering you from finding the person of your dreams? What I began to notice with my list and the several other lists I have looked at when helping others hone in on "key traits", was that I was disregarding people because I had subconsciously written them off. "No, no, no, he is a smidgen too short, but other than that he 'would have' been perfect." Would have been...
I remember the days I began to question my list. Do I really know what I want? Do I really know me? I started another list-who am I and what do I like? I looked at foods, music, dance, and dating. I tried out every type of food that was available: Soul Food, Chinese, Japanese, Korean BBQ, Thai, Brazilian, Ethiopian, Italian, Scottish, French, the all American cheeseburger, and more.
I tried listening to a variety of genres of music: house, techno, country, jazz, blues, rap, hip hop, R&B, new age, world beats, and the list goes on. I used to go dancing at a variety of places with my girlfriend and loved learning new styles: belly dancing, country line dancing, swing, salsa, bachata, and a variety more.
While testing out each one, I learned what I truly liked and enjoyed and also what I disliked (very important). By being open to the many opportunities that were out there I learned a lot about myself in turn. From this self-exploration I then asked, 'what qualities am I looking for in a significant other that I can't live without.' I knew I wanted this list small but purposeful. If it was less than five things that would be great but what would those five things be. I decided on these statements that I told myself regularly:
I tried listening to a variety of genres of music: house, techno, country, jazz, blues, rap, hip hop, R&B, new age, world beats, and the list goes on. I used to go dancing at a variety of places with my girlfriend and loved learning new styles: belly dancing, country line dancing, swing, salsa, bachata, and a variety more.
While testing out each one, I learned what I truly liked and enjoyed and also what I disliked (very important). By being open to the many opportunities that were out there I learned a lot about myself in turn. From this self-exploration I then asked, 'what qualities am I looking for in a significant other that I can't live without.' I knew I wanted this list small but purposeful. If it was less than five things that would be great but what would those five things be. I decided on these statements that I told myself regularly:
-I want someone who I'm attracted to who is attracted to me, who I'm in love with who's in love with me.
-I want someone who believes in monogamy.
-I want to be with someone who is goal oriented.
That was what it all boiled down to. Now I am with someone, we've celebrated our two year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. He was everything on my list and more.
And after years of traveling down random path in life, I can now say I am thankful to have been the wanderer. I know who I am, what I want, and who I want to share my life with.
-I want someone who believes in monogamy.
-I want to be with someone who is goal oriented.
That was what it all boiled down to. Now I am with someone, we've celebrated our two year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. He was everything on my list and more.
And after years of traveling down random path in life, I can now say I am thankful to have been the wanderer. I know who I am, what I want, and who I want to share my life with.
Author of "We Are One at the Falling of the Sun"
